Imagine this; you have had an incredibly busy and stressful day. Perhaps you have a deadline to meet which doesn’t feel attainable. Maybe your boss gave you some criticism that didn’t feel fair. Or maybe your kids have been acting up and you feel at your wits end. You sit down on the couch and a trusted friend or partner asks you how you have been. Do you avoid? Say “oh, I’m fine, don’t worry about me”. Do you begin to cry? Yell? Isolate to a room on your own? What do you need in this moment? What do you want the trusted person to do or say to you?
Was that a hard question to be asked? When asked, “what do you need”, many folks feel stuck. Whether they feel it is unacceptable to express needs due to a potential response they might get from another person, or that expressing their needs is wrong and to be strong is to hold it in, or maybe they simply can’t come up with an answer. “I don’t know what I need. I just don’t want to feel this way”.
Understanding our needs and getting them met began in early childhood. It was the job of the caregiver to meet the child’s needs in the unique way that the specific child required. Much of this is based on a child’s temperament, yet all children have 5 core needs that must be met in order to develop into a confident, happy and healthy individual.
Safe Attachment
Does the child feel loved, cared for, protected, accepted and validated? This core need covers the protection from traumas, basic needs such as food, drink and a roof over your head, but it also expands further. Does the child feel loved? Truly, unconditionally loved. Not a conditional form of love relying on works or being “well behaved”, but the kind of love that extends no matter what. Children who did not have their safe attachment need met might develop a fear of abandonment, an inability to trust others, the feeling that they are alone in this world, or that they are defective and shameful.
Autonomy
Did the child have a chance to make mistakes without being punished or looked down upon? Could the child build their competence and sense of identity through trying new things and completing tasks independently? Did the child have the ability to make their own decisions, within reason, without being told otherwise by a sibling, teacher, parent or caregiver? When a person did not have this need met appropriately, they might develop the feeling that they are incompetent or dependent on another. They might feel that they are vulnerable to harm, or that they can not make it through their adult life without assistance from a partner or a parent. This unmet need often causes people to believe that they are a failure despite what they do.
Realistic Limits
Were there safe and loving boundaries for the child to abide by? Or did the child “walk all over” their peers, or have permissive parents? Folks who did not have this need met often struggle with self-control and self-discipline. This can be seen through the inability to stick to a task or feeling out of control when expected to remain on track. Other folks might struggle with entitlement and feel triggered when others are unwilling to drop everything for them, as their caregivers once did.
Free Expression
Did the child feel comfortable in sharing their big emotions with their parents? If they said, “I am mad because my little brother knocked over my tower again”, did their caregiver respond with “suck it up, buttercup”, or “I get that you are frustrated. I am here to help you rebuild it, and we will move your brother to play somewhere else”? When a child was dismissed, shamed or scolded when sharing a need or emotion, they learned to internalize and become people pleasers. Perhaps they feel that they must sacrifice their own needs for the good of others, or that if they do not submit to someone else, they will be punished. Another person might engage in specific behaviours in the hopes that others will approve of or recognize them.
Spontaneity and Playfulness
Did the child get to just “be a kid”? Play with neighbours or friends, build forts, sing songs, go on bike rides? Or perhaps the child was expected to stay home and do chores or care for a younger sibling. A child who was unable to be playful and spontaneous often develop an emotional inhibition, where they come off cold or aloof to others. Other folks might develop unrelenting high standards for themselves which they feel they must reach. Others might take a more negative approach to life or have a punitive view of others.
So, what do you need? Think of your answer in terms of your child self. When little you had a hard day at school, perhaps there was bullying, or your parents were unkind, permissive or overbearing, how did the people around you act? And what did you need from them that perhaps they didn’t give you. A hug? Validation? Play? Intentionality? Perhaps what little you needed in that moment is exactly what big you needs right now. You have permission to give that to yourself now!